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Haha! [May. 24th, 2007|02:13 pm]
Your results:
You are Venom
The Joker
Dark Phoenix
Green Goblin
Dr. Doom
Mr. Freeze
Lex Luthor
Poison Ivy
Strength, disguise and adrenaline are your greatest weapons.

Click here to take the Supervillain Personality Quiz

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Guts vs Balls... [Apr. 16th, 2007|10:44 pm]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.
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Mexican Village... [Apr. 15th, 2007|11:11 pm]
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist
complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and
asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his
needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta
with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my
friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs . .
I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help
you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell
the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger

And after that?" asked the Mexican.

With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second
one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of
trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then
negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your
own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico
City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct
your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting,"
answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big,
you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" said the Mexican.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the
coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a
siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying
your friends."

And the moral is: Know where you're going in life... you may already
be there.
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THE RECTUM STRETCHER [Feb. 14th, 2007|10:52 pm]
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what?"

"A rectum stretcher?"

"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

And just what the hell do you do with a 6-foot ass hole?" he asked.

She said, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face..............PRICELESS
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Lesson in Hanging Tough by Sean McManus [Jan. 14th, 2007|10:27 pm]
Lesson in Hanging Tough - My father always told me a man had to live up to his job. Then one day, he showed me just what he meant. By Sean McManus

My business card says "President of CBS News and Sports," but it's that last part of my title, the sports part, that's always been in my blood. As a kid, I was a pretty good football player, and in fifth grade I was the quarterback for the Fairfield Country Day School in Fairfield, Connecticut. My dad is Jim McKay, the sportscaster, and though he was often away covering events, he tried to make it to every school function he could.

One day, we were facing Mooreland, and my team and I were playing pretty lackluster football. At half time, with our team down a few scores, he came over to me on the bench. He leaned in and put his mouth right up to the ear hole in my helmet and said, "You should be embarrassed. If you're not going to do the job that's asked of you, then why don't you just go back in there and forfeit?" And then he turned around and left for work. For the start of the second half I was on the kickoff squad, and I remember I just zeroed in on the kid with the ball and crushed him—just in case my dad was still up on the top of the hill watching.

My dad talked about those values a lot—doing your job, living up to your responsibilities—but it wasn't until September of 1972, on a day that changed our lives forever, that he showed me exactly what he meant. I was 17, and my dad had taken our family along to Munich while he covered the Olympics. September 4th was meant to be his day off, and he was going to take a swim and then he and I were going to spend the day together touring Munich. That morning he called me and said, "Something's come up. I've had to go to work." I asked if I could join him, so he sent a car for me and I camped out in the control room with Roone Arledge and the rest of the ABC team. It was then that I saw what was happening: Terrorists had taken members of the Israeli Olympic team hostage.

My dad was in the anchor chair, reporting on the events, for 18 hours straight. Up until then he'd been a respected sports commentator, but hardly a big celebrity. But the grace and determination he showed during the ordeal made him a household name, especially with those famous words: "They're all gone." I remember riding back with him after it was over, when the outcome couldn't have been worse. He was exhausted, and all he said to me was, "I think we did the job that we were asked to do." We got back to the hotel, and he undressed. He still had his swimsuit on under his clothes.

I got back to the States a few days before he did, and there were probably 1,500 letters and telegrams at our door from people, including Walter Cronkite, saying how moved and inspired they had been.

My father and I remain very, very close—he was the best man at my wedding. So when I called him up a year ago and told him I'd been named president of CBS News—that Walter Cronkite had called me "boss"—he was overwhelmed. He still cries at the drop of a hat. But no matter how successful I become, he'll often remind me of that football game against Mooreland.

"Do you remember what I told you that day?"

Yes, Dad.

"You remember me whispering in the ear hole?"

Yes, Dad.

Like anybody else who's had a bit of success, I can get a little self-inflated, a bit supercilious about the quality of my hotel room and other amenities that come along with my job. But I also know that while my position is a big deal, I'm not. It can disappear tomorrow. And so while I'm lucky enough to have it, I try to follow not only my dad's words, but his example: As long as I do the job I'm asked to do, everything else will be all right.
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Wife 1.0 [Dec. 21st, 2006|12:33 pm]
A letter written to tech support By a concerned user, read all, it could concern you

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6..

I can't seem to keep Wife 1..0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Troubled User..

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
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Slacker... [Dec. 12th, 2006|08:38 am]
I haven't finished xmas cards nor my xmas shopping and they all need to be mailed...ARGH!

Hope you all are having a grand day!

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What's green and dangerous... [Dec. 6th, 2006|11:47 pm]
I've read some great answers from ya'll. It was quite fun. I got this off a bug website at work ...it's a silly children's joke so it goes...

What's green and dangerous?
A caterpillar with a machine gun.

Some of yours were far better though! :) Thanks for sharing.
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Curious...please answer the following question. (Comments screened.) [Dec. 5th, 2006|08:17 pm]
What's green and dangerous?
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I'm gonna be soooooooooo tired tomorrow... [Jul. 6th, 2006|10:06 pm]
but I just had to see Pirates tonight at 1201am! I'm a sorry sucker I know but YAY!
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