| Haha! |
[May. 24th, 2007|02:13 pm] |
Your results:
You are Venom
| Venom |
| 69% |
| The Joker |
| 64% |
| Dark Phoenix |
| 63% |
| Green Goblin |
| 63% |
| Apocalypse |
| 62% |
| Dr. Doom |
| 62% |
| Mr. Freeze |
| 57% |
| Lex Luthor |
| 56% |
| Kingpin |
| 54% |
| Magneto |
| 52% |
| Two-Face |
| 51% |
| Mystique |
| 47% |
| Poison Ivy |
| 45% |
| Juggernaut |
| 43% |
| Catwoman |
| 36% |
| Riddler |
| 29% |
|
Strength, disguise and adrenaline are your greatest weapons.
 |
Click here to take the Supervillain Personality Quiz
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| Guts vs Balls... |
[Apr. 16th, 2007|10:44 pm] |
GUTS VERSUS BALLS
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death. |
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| Mexican Village... |
[Apr. 15th, 2007|11:11 pm] |
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist
complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and
asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the
American.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his
needs and those of his family.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta
with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my
friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs . .
I have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help
you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell
the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger
boat."
And after that?" asked the Mexican.
With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second
one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of
trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then
negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your
own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico
City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct
your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting,"
answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big,
you can start selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" said the Mexican.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the
coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a
siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying
your friends."
And the moral is: Know where you're going in life... you may already
be there. |
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| THE RECTUM STRETCHER |
[Feb. 14th, 2007|10:52 pm] |
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what?"
"A rectum stretcher?"
"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
And just what the hell do you do with a 6-foot ass hole?" he asked.
She said, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face..............PRICELESS |
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| Lesson in Hanging Tough by Sean McManus |
[Jan. 14th, 2007|10:27 pm] |
Lesson in Hanging Tough - My father always told me a man had to live up to his job. Then one day, he showed me just what he meant. By Sean McManus
My business card says "President of CBS News and Sports," but it's that last part of my title, the sports part, that's always been in my blood. As a kid, I was a pretty good football player, and in fifth grade I was the quarterback for the Fairfield Country Day School in Fairfield, Connecticut. My dad is Jim McKay, the sportscaster, and though he was often away covering events, he tried to make it to every school function he could.
One day, we were facing Mooreland, and my team and I were playing pretty lackluster football. At half time, with our team down a few scores, he came over to me on the bench. He leaned in and put his mouth right up to the ear hole in my helmet and said, "You should be embarrassed. If you're not going to do the job that's asked of you, then why don't you just go back in there and forfeit?" And then he turned around and left for work. For the start of the second half I was on the kickoff squad, and I remember I just zeroed in on the kid with the ball and crushed him—just in case my dad was still up on the top of the hill watching.
My dad talked about those values a lot—doing your job, living up to your responsibilities—but it wasn't until September of 1972, on a day that changed our lives forever, that he showed me exactly what he meant. I was 17, and my dad had taken our family along to Munich while he covered the Olympics. September 4th was meant to be his day off, and he was going to take a swim and then he and I were going to spend the day together touring Munich. That morning he called me and said, "Something's come up. I've had to go to work." I asked if I could join him, so he sent a car for me and I camped out in the control room with Roone Arledge and the rest of the ABC team. It was then that I saw what was happening: Terrorists had taken members of the Israeli Olympic team hostage.
My dad was in the anchor chair, reporting on the events, for 18 hours straight. Up until then he'd been a respected sports commentator, but hardly a big celebrity. But the grace and determination he showed during the ordeal made him a household name, especially with those famous words: "They're all gone." I remember riding back with him after it was over, when the outcome couldn't have been worse. He was exhausted, and all he said to me was, "I think we did the job that we were asked to do." We got back to the hotel, and he undressed. He still had his swimsuit on under his clothes.
I got back to the States a few days before he did, and there were probably 1,500 letters and telegrams at our door from people, including Walter Cronkite, saying how moved and inspired they had been.
My father and I remain very, very close—he was the best man at my wedding. So when I called him up a year ago and told him I'd been named president of CBS News—that Walter Cronkite had called me "boss"—he was overwhelmed. He still cries at the drop of a hat. But no matter how successful I become, he'll often remind me of that football game against Mooreland.
"Do you remember what I told you that day?"
Yes, Dad.
"You remember me whispering in the ear hole?"
Yes, Dad.
Like anybody else who's had a bit of success, I can get a little self-inflated, a bit supercilious about the quality of my hotel room and other amenities that come along with my job. But I also know that while my position is a big deal, I'm not. It can disappear tomorrow. And so while I'm lucky enough to have it, I try to follow not only my dad's words, but his example: As long as I do the job I'm asked to do, everything else will be all right. |
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| Wife 1.0 |
[Dec. 21st, 2006|12:33 pm] |
A letter written to tech support By a concerned user, read all, it could concern you
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6..
I can't seem to keep Wife 1..0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User..
_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support |
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| Slacker... |
[Dec. 12th, 2006|08:38 am] |
I haven't finished xmas cards nor my xmas shopping and they all need to be mailed...ARGH!
Hope you all are having a grand day!
*hugs* |
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| What's green and dangerous... |
[Dec. 6th, 2006|11:47 pm] |
I've read some great answers from ya'll. It was quite fun. I got this off a bug website at work ...it's a silly children's joke so it goes...
What's green and dangerous?
A caterpillar with a machine gun.
Some of yours were far better though! :) Thanks for sharing. |
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| Mua ha ha - I'm on to you! |
[May. 13th, 2006|11:29 am] |
| adrianaendless's LJ stalker is nocompromises! | | nocompromises is stalking you because a little birdie told them you talked behind their back. They are also prank calling you regularly! |
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| Sleep when the wind blows... |
[May. 3rd, 2006|10:01 pm] |
Years ago, a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast. He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were
reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops. As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals. Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farm hand?" the farmer asked him. "Well, I can sleep when the wind blows," answered the little man.
Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, hired him. The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work. Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore. Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled, "Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!"
The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, "No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows."
Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred. The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down.
Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew.
When you're prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically, you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the wind blows through your life?
The hired hand in the story was able to sleep because he had secured the farm against the storm. We secure ourselves against the storms of life by grounding ourselves in the Word of God.
We don't need to understand, we just need to hold his hand to have peace in the middle of storms.
A friend of mine sent this to me today, and I enjoyed it so much, that I wanted to sent it to you. I hope you enjoy your day and you sleep well. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2006|09:37 pm] |
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In case anyone's in the market for knit sweaters for their kids, check out my ebay auctions More items to follow - childrens handknit hats, women's purses and bags, some sterling silver baby jewelry. The items were hand knit by the wives and daughters of rice farmers in Thailand, not by me personally...I'm all thumbs when it comes to that! |
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| The Wine Truck... |
[Apr. 29th, 2006|08:39 pm] |
|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\||
| CHARDONNAY |'""|""\__,
|______________ ||__|__|__|)
(@(@)""""""""**|@)(@)***| (@)
SIXTEEN REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK......
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations and sick time because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare Butt" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.
Have a glass and send the truck to all of your friends!!!!!!
|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\||
| CHARDONNAY |'""|""\__,
|______________ ||__|__|___)
(@(@)""""""""**|@)(@)***| (@) |
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| A Woman and a Fork |
[Jan. 26th, 2006|07:51 am] |
There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live.
Therefore, as she was getting her things "in order," she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.
She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.
Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.
"There's one more thing," she said excitedly.
" What's that?" the Pastor's reply.
"This is very important," the young woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."
The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.
That surprises you, doesn't it?" the young woman asked.
"Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the Pastor.
The young woman explained. "My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement.
In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, ' Keep your fork.'
It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming ... like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!
So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder, What's with the fork?'
Then I want you to tell them: ' Keep your fork, the best is yet to come.'
The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death.
But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge.
She KNEW that something better was coming.
At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket, they saw the cloak she was wearing, and the fork placed in her right hand.
Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, "What's with the fork?" And over and over, he smiled.
During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her.
He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.
He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come.
Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.
Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more.
For you never know when it may be their time to "Keep their fork" Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share .. being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility. |
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| Well here I am... |
[Jan. 2nd, 2006|07:46 am] |
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Because I don't have a regular day with holidays. Oh well, no biggie, but its raining and icky and I'd like to be snuggled in my bed darn it. Some days I miss the regular job I must say... |
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| Dear Santa... |
[Dec. 17th, 2005|10:32 pm] |
 Dear Santa...
Dear Santa,
This year I've been busy!
In November I ruled Canada as a kind and benevolent dictator (700 points). Last Sunday I punched ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) joecichlid in the arm (-10 points). Last Monday I put gum in trey's hair (-12 points). Last Thursday I gave oakenking a kidney (1000 points). Last month I farted in an elevator (-6 points).
Overall, I've been nice (1672 points). For Christmas I deserve a pony!
Sincerely,
adrianaendless |
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| Beginning Today... |
[Nov. 4th, 2005|08:41 am] |
Beginning today I will no longer worry about yesterday.
It is in the past and the past will never change.
Only I can change by choosing to do so.
Beginning today I will no longer worry about tomorrow.
Tomorrow will always be there,
waiting for me to make the most of it.
But I cannot make the most of tomorrow
without first making the most of today.
Beginning today I will look in the mirror and I will
see a person worthy of my respect and admiration.
This capable person looking back at me is
someone I enjoy spending time with and
someone I would like to get to know better.
Beginning today I will cherish each moment of my life.
I value this gift bestowed upon me in this world and
I will unselfishly share this gift with others.
I will use this gift to enhance the lives of others.
Beginning today I will take a moment
to step off the beaten path
and to revel in the mysteries I encounter.
I will face challenges with courage and determination.
I will overcome what barriers there may be
which hinder my quest for growth and self-improvement.
Beginning today I will take life
one day at a time, one step at a time.
Discouragement will not be allowed
to taint my positive self-image,
my desire to succeed or my capacity to love.
Beginning today I walk with renewed faith in human kindness.
Regardless of what has gone before,
I believe there is hope for a brighter and better future.
Beginning today I will open my mind and my heart.
I will welcome new experiences -
I will meet new people.
I will not expect perfection from myself nor anyone else;
perfection does not exist in an imperfect world.
But, I will applaud the attempt to overcome human foibles.
Beginning today I am responsible for my own happiness
and I will do things that make me happy . . .
· admire the beautiful wonders of nature,
· listen to my favorite music,
· pet a kitten or a puppy,
· soak in a bubble bath.
Pleasure can be found in the most simple of gestures.
Beginning today I will learn something new;
I will try something different;
I will savor all the various flavors life has to offer.
I will change what I can and the rest I will let go.
I will strive to become the best me I can possibly be.
Beginning today —
And every day for the rest of my life . . .
Author Unknown
May you always feel the love of an Angel
To remind you that you are never alone |
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| Not enough to do? |
[Oct. 17th, 2005|08:15 am] |
Because I didn't think I had enough to do these days, I thought I'd run some ebay auctions as I started to think of the ever looming Christmas season (well and everyone's birthdays for us fall in the last quarter of the year.) Just in case any of you are interested, here's the link:
Check it out!
Hope everyone is having a wonderful October. |
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